Having s*x one last time, cuddling, touching and kissing someone you still love passionately and don’t want to lose can leave most people emotionally truamatized. See what experts have to say about break-up s*x.
Quite frankly, I’ve never been a fan. Even the definition of break up sex – the last sex you have with a lover after both of you decide to call the relationship off and break up – isn’t appealing.
If I’m about to split from someone who has broken my heart, why on earth would I want the torture of being sexually intimate knowing it’s all about to be taken away from me?
If I’m about to split from someone I now despise or really couldn’t care less about, why would I want to sleep with them one last time?
Because it can be the hottest sex of all, argue fans of break up s*x.
If you no longer have to impress your about-to-be ex, you can let loose and have totally uninhibited animal sex that’s purely selfish.
Who cares if they judge you? You’re not dating any more!
Others say it’s like the day before you quit smoking: tomorrow will be painful but today you’re going to enjoy every last drag of that fag.
Some simply think it’s a nicer way to end things.
Do you want your last moment together to be one where you’re both sobbing your hearts out or trading nasty insults…or having great sex and one last cuddle?
Break up sex is sex that’s unfettered by past or future expectations: you’re completely in the moment and that can be intensely freeing for lots of people.
For most though, it’s confusing, sad, depressing and painful.
Tread cautiously if you’re considering it – and make sure you’ve well and truly thought it through.
WHEN BREAK UP SEX CAN BE GOOD IDEA:
It’s an amicable split
If your relationship has just run its course and you’re both happy to walk away, break up sex can be a genuinely sweet ‘one for the road’ way to say goodbye.
Sadly, very few relationships end that way. Most involve one person wanting to leave and the other desperately trying to hang on.
But if you’re one of the lucky few that are separating happily, go for it.
You’ve talked through the terms of your split up
One main problem with having break up sex is that you’ve set a precedent. Are you now going to be friends with benefits?
If you are, how will this affect your future relationships?
It’s all too easy to end up emotionally tethered to an ex you’re still sleeping with.
You need closure
Sometimes we have to go back to move forward.
If the split was hasty and spiteful, meeting up one last time to say a more civilised goodbye can help with the grieving process.
This is often when break up sex ‘just happens’. Subconsciously, you might also do it to check that you both really do want to call it quits.
It’s 100 per cent your choice
Don’t be emotionally manipulated into having s*x ‘one last time’ with a bad-news ex who knows how to press all your buttons.
In this scenario, break up s*x isn’t going to do you any favours. You’ll just feel used, confused, even more emotional – and hate yourself for giving in.
S*x was always your ‘thing’
In some relationships, we connect intensely on an emotional level. Others are more sexual or attraction based. If it’s the latter and you’re both emotionally mature enough to deal with the split, one last swing on the chandelier might be just the way to go.
DON’T GO THERE:
If you’re heartbroken over the split
The end of a relationship is usually sad, especially if it was long-term: few people commit to a relationship unless they genuinely want it to work.
Having s*x one last time, cuddling, touching and kissing someone you still love passionately, don’t want to lose and know you won’t be with again, ever, is too much for most people to bear.
If you aren’t sure what’s on offer
Is it break up sex or make up sex? Are you absolutely clear on what’s on offer?
You wouldn’t be the first person to mistake that lusty lunge for an attempt at reconciliation rather than one last fling. If you aren’t sure, ask! If it’s you initiating, make it clear that one time sex is all that’s on offer.
Start seeing each other without sex on the table (or anywhere else) and suddenly those old problems resurface.
If you know they’re bad news
If you’re splitting from a lover who all your friends and family have been begging you to leave, having sex one last time can reignite the bond and makes you doubt what is a very good decision.
If your partner is making you miserable, don’t hang around for seconds on anything. Walk out that door and don’t look back.
It’s pity s*x
Having s*x one last time because you feel sorry for the person you’ve just dumped is not going to do them any favours at all. They’ll see it as one last chance to convince you to stay and feel used afterward when you’re forced to admit there was no chance. You can’t help them get over you. Break up sex delays the inevitable and makes things worse.
If you’re hoping it will lead to you getting back together This happens in rom-coms on a regular basis. Not so regularly in real life. As I said earlier, you need more than a sexual connection to be happy long-term.
Knocking their sexual socks off one last time might well remind them what a great lover you are. But sex alone is unlikely to convince them to stay if there are serious, deep-seated, unsolved emotional issues.